Alternatives to Gun Control Laws: A Bullet List

● Equip shoppers at grocery stores with bulletproof vests, conveniently located on racks next to shopping carts ● Issue bulletproof vests at bowling alleys along with ball and shoe rental ● Supply bulletproof vests at McDonald’s, complimentary with Big Macs and Happy Meals, extra small sizes available ● Erect a 20-foot concrete wall or high-voltage electric fence around every church, synagogue, and mosque or, better yet, dig a moat around each and fill with alligators trained to attack and eat anyone aiming a gun ● Dispatch surveillance drones to patrol above every outdoor concert venue, festival, and sports arena and notify local police about any mass murder in progress ● Block access to all towers on buildings so shooters who use rifles with telescopic sight can’t successfully bang bang bang at long range targets ● Don’t design any new buildings with towers ● In movie theaters, enclose each seat in a bulletproof glass box ● At clubs give each reveler a map of potential escape routes—exits, stairs, HVAC ducts; encourage memorization ● Also provide sequined bulletproof vests ● Give all prospective gun owners the MMRI, TAT, Rorschach, and other personality tests to make sure they’re not mentally ill since the NRA believes the U.S. only has a mental health problem, not a gun problem, too ● Quarantine any who are diagnosed mentally ill ● Try the moat approach around banks, too ● Ask all gun owners whether they’re good guys with guns or bad guys with guns and if they’re bad guys with guns require they enroll in anger management or mindfulness classes or listen to calming Tibetan singing bowl recordings so they can evolve into good guys with guns ● Increase education funding so all schools can hire multiple SWAT Teams to guard building hallways, perimeters, parking lots, playgrounds, and bus stops ● An alternative: home school all children, ideally in basements or rooms with no windows ● Collaborate with the NRA to create Firearms 101, a required course for all college freshmen and offer discounts on weapon purchase so students can protect themselves from bad guys with guns ● Hold a Super Bowl Shootout every four years where gun owners can target each other and award a fabulous prize to the last shooter standing ● Establish a new national holiday—”No One’s Gonna Kill Anyone with Their Gun Today Day, Okay?” ● Schedule on October 1, anniversary of the largest mass murder in the country, Las Vegas Strip, 2017, 58 people killed and 546 injured ● Date subject to change ● And change ● And change ● And ●